Starting Again in Your 30s: When The Life You Planned No Longer Fits

Tez on starting over, listening to your gut, dating apps and the difference between settling and choosing

TL;DR

• Starting over in your 30s isn't failure. Staying somewhere you're unhappy just because you "should have it together" is the bigger risk.
• Your gut usually knows first. The signals start small and get louder, and journalling, trusted friends and counselling help you hear them.
• Take time to grieve and rebuild before dating again, so you're choosing a partner from wholeness rather than loneliness.
• Write down what you want in a partner, then ask whether you're becoming that person too.

Introduction

The first post I saw from Tez was about starting over in your 30s. I'm probably not her target audience, but it hit me at exactly the right time. A year earlier, my relationship with my co-host and business partner had ended suddenly, and I found myself single in my late 30s for the first time since dating apps became the norm.

Tez is an optometrist, the eldest daughter of Vietnamese immigrant parents, and host of the podcast Tea Talks with Tez. She grew up with a high-achieving, perfectionist, "earn your worth" mindset and became very good at moulding herself to please others. In her mid-20s, she was engaged, looking at homes and planning a wedding when she made the hardest decision of her life and walked away.

People might wonder why I'm talking about dating on this podcast. But this show is about finding your true form, and so much of that comes down to being honest about whether the life you've built still fits.

Lesson 1: There's no deadline for having it figured out

Insight: Tez thinks plenty of us are starting over in some part of our lives in our 30s, whether that's a relationship, a career or a pivot after starting a family. We just don't talk about it. There's a sense that if you follow the conventional path, you should have it all sorted by 30, so if you're unhappy, you just stick with it.

She disagrees, and a lot of that comes from watching her parents. After they separated, they had to start over in their 50s and 60s, and both rebuilt happier, more peaceful lives. "If they can do it in their 50s to 60s," she said, "in our 30s, why aren't we taking the time to re-evaluate?"

She also named the shame of getting it wrong. Her answer is to ask what the alternative is. Stay because you should, or chase something better.

Action: Pick one area of your life, such as work, relationships or where you live, and ask yourself honestly whether you're there because you want to be or because you think you should be.

Outcome: You start making decisions from alignment rather than fear of judgement.

Lesson 2: Your gut starts quietly, then gets louder

Insight: When Tez got engaged, she noticed she felt uncertain rather than excited. She was also constantly reading relationship content, such as "10 ways to know they're the one", because she wanted something outside her to give her an answer she already had. Her observation: if you're with the right person, you don't usually obsess over whether they're the right person.

She also learned to watch actions, not just words. "People can only convince you so far," she said, "because when their actions don't align, things will reveal themselves." She went to her first counsellor, who helped her see the incompatibilities she was already describing but wasn't ready to accept.

Journalling helped too. Years earlier, she'd written about how unhappy she was in her first relationship and what she hoped would change. A year later, she found the entry and realised she felt exactly the same. That was the push to be accountable to herself.

Action: Write down how you feel about a big decision today, including what you hope will change. Put a reminder in your calendar to reread it in three months.

Outcome: You can see whether things are changing or whether you're telling yourself the same story.

Lesson 3: Say it directly, because hints don't work

Insight: I told Tez how bad I felt that my ex had apparently been unhappy for months and I didn't see it. How could I not see that in someone I loved so much? Tez offered some grace. When you're both working hard towards a future that feels shared, your attention goes there. And sometimes, she said, the person who's unhappy drops small hints, like "can we iron this out?", when what they really mean is "this whole direction isn't what I want". Saying that out loud is scary.

Her lesson from the other side was learning to speak up without fear. In the past, she worried her feelings would hurt her partner or make her seem like "too much". Now she shares what's on her mind, and usually feels better straight away.

Action: If something's bothering you in a relationship, say it plainly this week. Describe what you need rather than hoping they'll pick it up.

Outcome: You give the relationship a fair chance, and you both know where you stand.

Lesson 4: Grieve before you date again

Insight: Tez doesn't believe in a set waiting period. But after her engagement ended, she went straight into distracting herself rather than processing it, then dated people she knew weren't right. Ending a long-term relationship is a real loss, she says, and you need to grieve it, heal and fill yourself up before you're ready.

We both recognised the same pattern: you go through a phase where the breakup is all you talk about. For me, a long-term client and mate told me to get on the apps because it was all I talked about. The first woman I messaged told me honestly that I wasn't ready and needed to find myself first. I thanked her and got off the apps for a month. For Tez, a girlfriend told her she didn't owe that part of her story to anyone. Today, many of her friends have no idea she was once engaged, because it no longer defines her.

Action: Before you start dating again, ask yourself: am I doing this because I feel content with my life, or because I'm bored, lonely or missing having a person?

Outcome: You go into dating ready to choose well, not just to fill a gap.

Lesson 5: Use dating apps with intention

Insight: Do dating apps work? We both know couples who met on them and are happy. But Tez says you need to use them intentionally. She tried to move quickly from the app to meeting in person, even just for coffee, because she saw each date as gathering information about whether you're aligned. She also cautioned against rejecting people too quickly from a 2D profile.

For me, the apps felt overwhelming. Messages are coming in and going out, and you're trying to have conversations with everyone. So I picked the two people I'd had real conversations with, shared my number and got off. We agreed the apps make money by keeping you on them, and the validation of someone liking you can become its own trap.

Action: Set a limit. Once you're talking with a few people you genuinely connect with, stop swiping and focus on getting to know them in person.

Outcome: You avoid the endless-choice trap and give real connections room to grow.

Lesson 6: Build a life you love on your own

Insight: Tez said she felt lonely at times while single. What stopped her acting on it was imagining a scarier future: being stuck with the wrong person. "That loneliness that you feel when you're with the wrong person," she said, "can feel more crippling than being lonely by yourself."

So she filled her life up. She took up dancing in her late 20s and built a business. She shifted from a scarcity mindset, such as "there aren't enough good men out there", to seeing her single season as something beautiful that would end when she met her person. She didn't want to spend it waiting.

A mate of mine did the same. After a run of short relationships, he bought a motorbike, learned to ride and started salsa dancing. Then he went to a speed-dating night with eight people and came home with nine numbers, because another woman there gave him hers too. He wasn't trying to find someone. He was just having fun being himself.

Action: Write down three things that brought you joy before your last relationship, or that you've always wanted to try. Book one this week.

Outcome: You build an identity outside of relationships, and you naturally attract people who fit it.

Lesson 7: Know what you want, and become it

Insight: I admitted that early on with the person I'm seeing now, I oversold myself a little, then got busy with work and the podcast. Tez's take was that the intention was probably authentic. The fix is honest communication about your capacity. When a driven person gives their full attention, even for 10 minutes, it can matter more than hours spent side by side on laptops. She's had that exact conversation with her own fiancé, who has gone back to study, and being explicit about what she needed helped them both.

On settling, Tez sees it as following the conventional path without consciously choosing it, doing something because you should rather than because you want to. For me, it's not wanting to settle in one place, and I've had to be honest about that rather than tell people what they want to hear.

So how do you know you've found the right person? For Tez, it was emotional safety, a deep emotional connection and compatibility. She and her fiancé started as friends. On their second meeting, he gave her a bear hug and she felt like she was home. The right person, she says, accepts you as you are and makes you want to be better.

Before that, she'd written down what she wanted in a partner: emotional security, trust, love, respect and a growth mindset. Then a friend asked whether she was that person too. I heard the same advice after my breakup, and it's hard to hear. What kind of person would your ideal partner want to be with, and are you becoming them?

Action: Write a list of the qualities you want in a partner, focusing on values rather than looks. Next to each, write how you're bringing that quality yourself.

Outcome: You get clearer on what you want and start attracting it by living it.

Quick wins

• Put your phone away during meals with your partner or friends.
• Tell someone exactly what you need instead of hinting.
• Stop swiping once you're talking to a few people you like.
• Reread an old journal entry and notice what's changed.
• Book one solo activity that's just for you.

Closing insight

What stayed with me most is that starting over isn't a sign you got it wrong. It's often a sign you're finally listening. Tez walked away from the future she'd wanted her whole life because she could see it wouldn't make her happy. It took grief, counselling, journalling and a lot of honesty to rebuild her trust in herself. When she met the right person, she knew, because she could finally be herself.

For me, it's been about 10 years of trying to find my true self, and it isn't something that happens overnight. But as Tez said, the minute you become aware, the process starts. Keep chipping away, and you'll start connecting with people who are right for the person you're becoming.

Connect with Tez

Listen to Tea Talks with Tez on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and follow Tez on Instagram and TikTok.

Listen to the full episode

The full conversation is on Spotify, Apple Podcasts and YouTube, or press play at the top of this page.

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