Episode 229: The Art of Overcoming Fear, Finding Purpose, and Truly Living

Trusting your path, listening to yourself and pointing back at yourself first

TL;DR

• Making a choice is better than making no choice at all.
• Don't let fear become the lens you see the world through.
• Your values help you work out what to say no to, even when an opportunity looks amazing.
• Write without worrying how it looks, and start with one small action rather than waiting for the perfect thought.
• Let your positive drive lead, and always fail forward.

Introduction

My guest for this episode asked not to be named, so I've left his name out. That doesn't make his story any less worth hearing. After two years in the military, he flipped a coin, landed in Japan and spent years travelling the world, often hitchhiking and sleeping wherever he could. Along the way, he wrote constantly.

What struck me was how clearly he thinks for someone so young. He'd be the first to say he hasn't figured it all out. But the way he talks about choices, fear, purpose and connection is something many of us are still working towards.

Lesson 1: Make a choice and trust your path

Insight: He pictures himself as a shooting star flying through space, with planets pulling him in different directions. Some of those planets, like the military, drew him in. His belief is that by listening to yourself, you can trust you're on the right path, and that making a choice is better than no choice at all. A lot of people get stuck overthinking.

On his travels, he often flipped a coin to decide where to go next. The trick, he says, is that the moment the coin lands, you usually realise what you actually want. If it says one thing and your gut says another, you've already got your answer.

Action: Next time you're stuck on a decision, flip a coin and notice how you feel about the result.

Outcome: You find out what you really want, faster.

Lesson 2: Don't let fear become your lens

Insight: He warns against manifesting the wrong thing. If you constantly imagine the worst, that becomes the lens you see the world through. He noticed it in his relationships, too.

While travelling, there were nights sleeping on shopfront floors when he could have stayed awake out of fear. Instead, he chose to trust, whether you call it God, the universe or something else. Often he'd wake up and someone had left him water, food or something warm.

One night in Turkey, during a snowstorm, he and a friend pitched their tents behind a truck stop and were confronted by men they couldn't understand. It felt like a dangerous moment. By the end of the night, the truck drivers had brought them inside, shared food and tea and told stories with them for three days.

Action: When you catch yourself imagining the worst, ask what else could be true.

Outcome: You stop fear from making your decisions for you.

Lesson 3: Talk to your shadow side

Insight: He was open that he's struggled with his mental health. His approach is not to treat the dark thoughts as a problem to fight, but to recognise them, accept that they're part of him and talk to them. He believes we're all human and we're going to do bad things sometimes, so there's no need to beat yourself up. If you take responsibility for your choices, you can learn from them.

Please note: if you're struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a GP or a mental health professional. In Australia, you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Action: When a negative thought shows up, name it rather than pushing it away.

Outcome: It starts to lose some of its power.

Lesson 4: Your values tell you what to say no to

Insight: He says learning to say no has been one of the biggest things in his life. He's turned down some incredible job opportunities because they wouldn't move him closer to his purpose. A job might pay well but isolate him for 12 hours a day, when his values are about being with and helping people.

Saying no can feel like going back to ground zero. But he believes some planets will pull you into their orbit for years until you don't know which direction you're heading. Staying true to your values keeps you on your path.

He also admitted he struggles with purpose. I feel the same. It isn't something you find once and keep forever. You work on it, lose it and find it again.

Action: Write down your top three values, then look at one commitment in your life and ask whether it fits them.

Outcome: Your choices start lining up with the life you want.

Lesson 5: Just write

Insight: He started writing at eight years old, when his mum told him to write down his experiences while they travelled. He came back to it as an adult, starting with a small palm-sized book of quotes he heard, made up or lived through.

His advice for anyone starting is not to be critical and not to worry about what it looks like. Grab the closest pen and a napkin if you have to. Like any routine in health and fitness, if you don't practise it daily, you'll never build it. He's lost count of the times he's written the date at the top of the page followed by, "I don't know what I'm writing."

The same applies if you're struggling to get out of bed. Don't wait for the thought to motivate you. Let the action lead. Just get out of bed. Then take the next step.

Action: Write one page today, even if it starts with "I don't know what to write."

Outcome: You build a habit that brings clarity over time.

Lesson 6: Say hello to strangers

Insight: We both love talking to people we don't know. He sees every hello as giving the world a chance to unfold in your life. It might be a 10-second conversation, or the person might not want to talk at all. But the next person could become a mentor, a friend or an employer.

He grew up watching his mum talk to anyone, which made it feel normal. His advice is to practise. If you can't strike up a full conversation yet, just say hi, let them talk a little, then walk away. Next time, ask them something random, like whether they've seen the clouds today.

Action: Say hello to one person you don't know this week, like your barista or a neighbour.

Outcome: You open the door to connections you can't predict.

Lesson 7: Let the positive lead, and fail forward

Insight: I asked him about ego. I've been wondering whether some of my drive comes from a chip on my shoulder from school. He says you don't need to kill your ego, because then you'd have no drive and no self to care for. Both the positive and negative forces will be there. The key is choosing which one is the tip of the spear. Keep the positive force at the front, with the negative behind it.

On advice, he says to understand why someone is giving it. Are they speaking from experience you respect, or projecting their own fears onto you? You can let someone feel comfortable sharing advice and still choose not to take it.

When I asked what the word "failing" brought to mind, he said "failing forward". It's an idea that stuck with him from childhood: you can't fail if you fail forward, as long as you analyse what happened and apply it to the next thing.

Action: Think of a recent failure and write down one thing you'll do differently next time.

Outcome: Every setback becomes part of your progress.

Quick wins

• Flip a coin on a decision and notice your reaction.
• Write one page without judging it.
• Say hello to a stranger.
• Write down your top three values.
• Get out of bed first, then decide what's next.

Closing insight

When I asked how people can use this to improve their health, his answer was simple. Instead of pointing at everything you think is wrong with the world, point back at yourself first. What am I doing, and what can I do? If everyone did that, he believes we'd naturally see change start to happen.

Listen to the full episode

The full conversation is on Spotify, Apple Podcasts and YouTube, or press play at the top of this page.

Related episodes: Lessons on Health, Growth and Longevity Plus Listener Q&A and The Real Meaning of Resilience